You Should Go and Love Yourself

Welcome (back) to my blog dear reader! I hope you enjoy your stay! 😄

Yes, the title is from a Justin Bieber song. Inspiration for something witty to title this post was not very strong this week. But that’s okay because it still applies to the topic. Today I want to talk about self-image and self-confidence. I have talked about mental health before on this blog but I feel like this is such an important subcategory of mental health that it needs its own post.

There is a content warning on this post so if you have struggled with body image issues or addictions related to eating disorders or pornography please read with caution. I would rather you be safe and take care of yourself, dear reader.

My struggle with loving myself actually started a while before I had access to the internet and social media. Around the age of 15, my metabolism slowed down for the first time. I would spend hours wondering if people would like me better if I looked different, more skinny, have a darker tan, whatever. I would obsessively wear makeup to hide my flaws and would pick apart my appearance in the mirror. For the majority of my high school years I hated my body. It got worse when I started college. I saw more and more of the outside world and by 19 I was browsing Instagram, Twitter, and Tumblr. The world of polished social media combined with the secular perversion of humans caused a bit of a downward spiral. There would be plenty of days when I would be sticking a toothbrush down my throat after dinner. Finally, one night in Adoration I heard God telling me to stop. He told me that I was doing more harm to myself than good. So I did. But I did not fix the source of my problem so I turned to another addiction. Not long after that was when I fell into the trap of pornography. But I am glad to say now I have made some tremendous progress in recovering.

As a matter of fact, yesterday I celebrated one year clean!!! Aaaahhh!!! *Cue happy dance* But I am going to be honest, it effed me up. And I am still fighting back against the effects of that addiction. The chemical imbalance in my brain is still affecting my life but I can see the improvement. Recovery also means relearning my worth that has been dictated by God.

I have had both a long life and a short one at the same time. It is short in the number of years but long in the adventures reveled in and difficult moments endured. Tears have been shed for cruelties in my own mind. The tapestry of my life is vibrant and colorful in some sections and muddied by storms in others. But, regardless of what I have seen, what I have celebrated quietly because of my struggle, or begrudgingly endured, I am still here. I kept going even when everything within me was saying “Stop. Give up. You’re not good enough.” Fighting back against the voice in my head that sounds just like the one coming out of my mouth, was and still is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The poisons I consumed for so long were slowly killing me.

When the glimmer of hope shone out to me it was like a blinding ray, slicing the infinite abyss that was surrounding, enveloping, choking me. It was so beautiful. I had to see it up close. So, I started clawing my way back to the light. And now I can say with confidence that I have made it out of the pit. The revelations of my life in recent months have brought me so much joy and peace, praise be to Jesus.

I have started doing a few different things to help in my recovery process. Number one, ADORATION. I cannot tell you how many times I have just sat in my church and cried to Jesus. I have taken my struggles with self-image into Adoration so many times and just recently it clicked. It is connected to being a child of God. I am stubborn and the world is a tangled web of lies that tempt and ensnare. I have had such a hard time in the past believing that I am beautiful and worthy of love. But God says that I am. He says that everyone is. I trust and believe Him when He says others are valuable, so why did I hesitate so much to believe Him when He says those same things about me? God is a God of the details. He made me this way on purpose. He chose the color of my eyes, the melody and volume of my laugh (it’s loud y’all 😄), what size shoe I am, and the depth of my heart. No matter how I feel about myself, Jesus loves me infinitely. I am who He says I am. And that is beautiful, valued and loved.

The outer part of me though tainted by sin is still good. Who I am on the outside is a reflection of who I am on the outside. Wild, vibrant, gentle (sometimes), and loving. It truly only matters what God thinks of me and how I care for myself based on His laws. That brings me to method number two: Less time on social media. Not only am I spending less time on social media, but I am also following people who are more real. They share all parts of their lives, and by that, I mean the negatives and the positives. Another way is oddly enough, fewer days a week wearing makeup. Embracing who I am without any added flare has been awesome. And when I do wear makeup I wear what kind of makeup I want not what I think other people expect me to wear. Along with that, I am wearing the clothes that I like that also reflect my dignity. Something additional that I have taken on this year is working out to take care of the body that God gave me, the body that is good because God says it is. Not to look a certain way but to be healthy. Most of all though I am owning my personality. It will last a lot longer than my looks will.

Wow. That got really hecking vulnerable for a minute. But I hope it helps you, dear reader. You are loved more than you know. Even when life gets crazy, that is one beautiful thing on which to cling. I love you and Jesus loves you more. Have a great week!

☀️💙