Weird Flex, But Okay...

Welcome (back) to my blog dear reader! I am so glad you are here. I hope you enjoy your time here.

This week I couldn’t pick which topic about which I wanted to write so like any basic white girl I made an Instagram story poll. 😄 (Shameless plug, link at the bottom of the page if you’re not following already.😉) The poll results are in! This week’s topic is: My journey/history with mental health. (And if you were wanting the Valentine’s Day post it will be up next week)

So, what is my history with mental health? It hasn’t been a lifelong thing, nor has my struggle been as debilitating as some people’s but it is something that I have to deal with on a fairly regular basis. It's a form daily exercise to keep my mind healthy. Working out my brain if you will. (Weird flex, but okay. 😛) I am also a huge advocate for mental health awareness. Any time I encounter someone I try to be as positive of an influence as possible so I don't add to their struggle. And if I know them well enough sometimes I can offer advice. I understand that everyone has a different story based on their experiences and genetics so I will be sharing today from my own story and experiences.

My primary mental health issue is anxiety. I have never been formally diagnosed by my doctor, but my mom, who I share a lot of health issues with, has been diagnosed. Her symptoms are very similar to mine. Chest pain, accelerated heart rate, etc. I also have found that I lack motivation for things when I am anxious about the outcome, especially when I am encountering a completely new situation. The fact that I know these symptoms and how to handle them is extremely helpful for me in my day to day life. But it wasn’t always that simple.

I started noticing my anxiety when I was in high school, around the age of 15 or 16. This was mostly when I was taking tests. I was in a very rigorous homeschool program and test grades were important for a good final grade to move on to the next year. I was also already looking forward and thinking ahead about college and I knew that good grades could mean scholarship money. I was/am the oldest of 6 kids. College wasn’t going to be cheap. So, in crept the anxiety each time I had to take a test or was going through something that I felt judged on. Everything from soccer games to meeting new people could threaten to overwhelm me at any moment. I managed to keep it under control with deep breathing and ginger lozenges to calm the nausea I was experiencing during especially rough times, like taking the ACT. But high school was just the beginning.

My anxiety got a lot worse in college. I started at a local community college to save myself some money, but that was pretty much the only worry that was lessened. I was meeting new people constantly, I had classes where I felt judged by my peers and I had projects and assignments that didn’t end. Once I started getting projects back and I realized that the challenge of the assignment was all in my head and that I was a good student I was able to relax that part of my brain a bit. I also made some friends. But why was I still anxious? There was something else missing. It wasn’t until I transferred to my university where I would continue my studies and eventually graduate that I finally started getting some answers.

I actually ended up going to a counselor for a while in college because they had them on campus and it was free for students. This is another way I was able to work out my brain and flex my mental muscles. I’m actually looking for a Catholic or Christian place now that is affordable so I can start going again. It was so helpful to be able to talk with someone on the outside looking in at my problems and give me constructive advice without judgement. If you are struggling with mental health issues and have not been to a therapist I highly recommend doing so. Please talk to someone. I would love to hear from you. You are too precious and your mind is too important to not care for it.

Now, I know my own symptoms and I am looking to start seeing a counselor again. Everything should be hunky dory right? Not quite. There are still plenty of bad days and I am still overwhelmed by things around me. During the night is actually the worst time for me. Sometimes all I can do is embrace the sadness, try to understand it and fix the problem if I can. And sometimes I can't fix it. It's out of my control and that is okay. I can't fix everything. Some of it has to be left up to God. I know He can handle it. It can be a challenge to surrender control but it’s for the best. It's a daily journey with my mind and I will continue to explore who I am mentally and work out my brain.

All in all, anxiety is a part of who I am now and shows me the limits and potential of who I can become. It’s because of that fact that mental health is just another part of what makes up the beauty in the crazy.

☀️💙