It's not all sunshine and rainbows.

Welcome (back) to my blog dear reader! I am so glad you are here. I hope you enjoy your time here.

This is not the blog post that I thought I was going to write for this week. But for the past couple of days something has been stirring in my heart and I have to get it out. It’s about grief. Not a bright sunny topic about which I would prefer to talk but I believe it’s necessary. A few things brought this on recently as events and memories of events have been brought to the forefront of my mind. This might only be the first month of the year but I have already felt a great deal of grief and loss. Because I am not the only one involved in experiencing this sadness I won’t go into detail now out of respect for the others involved. Now obviously there are different kinds of grief. But they can affect us deeply in our lives and teach us things about ourselves.

One of the earliest feelings of sadness we can experience, and I can recall experiencing, is a friend becoming upset on a playdate and saying: “I’m not your friend anymore!” This separation doesn’t usually last more than a few minutes depending on the situation and the children involved, but I remember hearing those words and being crushed, running to my mom and crying that I had made my friend “so so so SO mad that she doesn’t like me!” But, like I mentioned before, the fight didn’t last long and we went back to playing. Fast forward a few years and for whatever reason friendships can end permanently. Maybe even end on a somewhat positive note. Maybe a friend moved away and contact was lost after a time. Even when it is more of a positive parting of ways, it can still hurt. But why? For me, and maybe for other social butterflies, the people we interact with become a part of us. We remain ourselves but pieces of our friends become pieces of us and vice versa. When a friend leaves our lives, all we have left are the memories and pieces of their heart that we shared. It’s such a different experience. It might even feel like they really are taking a piece of you with them. A piece of who you were with them. And until that pain passes, it does hurt.

There are more painful losses however, such as losing a family member when they pass on. Like losing friends, I have experienced this from a very young age as well, with my great-grandfather’s funeral when I was 3 being one of my earliest memories. The passing of my family members, even up until this year have all impacted me in some way. There were some that hit me harder than others because I was closer to that family member or their passing was more sudden. When I was in middle school and my uncle passed away I was shaken by it because I was still so young. His fight with cancer was a long one and since I wasn’t privy to the details it was hard to gauge how he was really doing. Facing grief in my life has really seemed to follow that pattern. If I’m able to prepare myself, brace myself, how ever you want to phrase it, I am better equipped to cope. No matter how hard it is though. I have learned something from each experience.

When experiencing loss in my life there is no denying the intense pain that is felt. But it also gave me something else. I appreciate my family more and more often. I am able to love deeper and more fiercely now that my heart has been broken open. I know that I have been given a gift in the people I have loved in my life. It might not feel like a blessing when it happens, but being able to turn to God and my family is a blessing in the healing process. I'm definitely growing from these experiences and will likely want to write more on this topic in the future. For now though, I wish all love and happiness in your life, dear reader. And may you find beauty in the crazy.

☀️💙