Being Quiet Adds to the Problem

Welcome (back) to my blog dear reader! I am so glad you are here. 😄 I hope you enjoy your time here.

This post is not going to be a very cheerful one. I just want to get that out of the way right off the bat. I also want to put a trigger warning on this post.

If you have read any of my previous posts I hope you have seen how not perfect my life is. This is not to complain about my life or how it is going, but rather it is so I can show that no one is perfect and we all struggle. It is a goal of mine that I am open and honest with every post. I never want to feel like I am hiding who I am from you, dear reader.

So. With that in mind, I decided (in addition to the poll on Instagram a few weeks back) that it is finally time to make and publish a blog entry I have been thinking about writing since before I created this blog last December. This is where the trigger warning comes into play.

I am a recovering pornography addict.

I have been dreading typing those words or saying them out loud outside the confessional for so long. Because if I admit it then the problem becomes real. However, being quiet adds to the problem. This isn't just a secular issue. It isn't just a guy issue. It's a human issue. And if I am silent about my struggle then the devil wins. I can't let that happen.

That doesn't mean that this is easy. Just reading that stand-alone sentence again right now makes me want to cry, scream, and throw up all at the same time. Full disclosure. I am actually crying pretty hard as I write this. This is the most difficult thing I have ever written. But it is also the most important.

As much as I want to share this struggle so it can help people, especially other females, I also for the longest time wanted to forever bury this dirty, disgusting secret. I was going to take it to my grave.

How could I, a cradle Catholic with a great family and a great life that taught her the evils of sin and impurity, fall into the trap of pornography? To be perfectly honest I don't know exactly. I know Twitter was involved and I know I was in my early 20s. Something I know for a fact, beyond the shadow of a doubt, is that porn is disgusting, ensnaring, addicting, and it affects men and women from all walks of life all over the modern world.

Also, more women are affected by this addiction than people think. It is being talked about more as not just "a guy thing" but it needs even more voices if we are going to beat this sin. That is part of the reason I want to talk about it. As much as it disgusts me, I know that if we don't talk about how horrible it is, the problem will just get worse.

I can say this from personal experience. As I wrote the first draft for this entry I was 168 days clean. By the time this is posted October 2nd, 2019, I am 233 days clean. Those numbers alone show how long this struggle can last. I am proud of 233 days. Don't get me wrong. But it took literally years of fighting back against my own mind and will, receiving the sacrament of confession, and self-control. It even took me years to even want to fight back. That is what I mean when I say it ensnares you. The pit you find yourself in is dark and it feels good. You can't see the damage it is causing to your soul and life until a little light breaks through. That light is so powerful.

Much like this post admitting my addiction, the confession in which I laid out my sin completely for absolution, instead of just saying "I sinned against the virtue of chastity," or "I broke the 6th commandment," was a huge turning point for me in my recovery. Within that confession I saw the fight I had before me. I still have a long way to go but each day it gets a little easier. Admitting I have a problem is such a huge help lifting a weight off my shoulders.

So, if you, dear reader, or someone you know is affected by this, know that I am so sorry for the suffering you have endured. If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to reach out. My DMs are open and I would be glad to share some resources with you. 💙

In closing, I would like to say, please pray for me, as I will pray for you. This fight to recovery has been long and difficult. But if by sharing about it I can help even one person, then it will have been worth it. It truly would be some beauty in the crazy.

☀️💙