A Lot Can Hide Behind a Smile

*Takes a deep breath* Hoo boy this is gonna be a tough one. I don't even know how to start. Well, let’s just start. Start with the normal intro.

Welcome (back) to my blog dear reader! I am so glad you are here. 😄 I hope you enjoy your time here.

Wow. That felt a little fake and forced but here we are. Another post. Like I promised. Today is going to be a bit of a flustered, rambling, and word-vomit type post. So bear with me, please, dear reader.

I recently gained a new friend group of Catholic women. And while the majority of our discussions about faith, the female experience, etc. have all been awesome, I have also learned a lot about what it means to be a woman period. Full stop, you are a female and what that entails and implies. It was a shock to be perfectly honest. As a young woman who thought she knew who she was, it kind of blew my mind. (I’m 26 y’all, I thought I knew this stuff.) Because of this recent mind-blowing experience, I am going to be using this post to unpack a lot of it. Maybe it could help someone else.

The world is a loud and terrifying place. It scared me as a child and now even more so as an adult. The one thing that has been a constant for me, even through this fear has been my Catholic faith. I love my faith. More than I love a lot of things. For crying out loud I earned a bachelor's degree in Theology because I love learning about it so much. This deep love for Jesus and the Truth is a huge part of the reason I thought I knew who I am.

When I joined this group of Catholic women I was so excited to talk about the ins and outs of what it means to be Catholic and female. I got so much more than that within just a few days of speaking with them. And emotions were high, right off the bat. Higher than usual for me at least. I will not be divulging exactly what was said out of respect for the women involved but I learned more about what it means to be a married woman/adult female of faith than I ever fathomed possible.

This happened almost a month ago and I am still wrestling with it. I have studied Scripture, Theology of the Body, and Catholic Church documents for years. Literally years. And in a matter of days, everything I thought I knew was shattered. There is more to it than I thought. But how? I thought I already knew the truth? This isn’t a “Wow my faith is so complex and I am excited to keep unpacking the truth as I mature in my relationship with Jesus.” This is “I thought I knew what was true and good and valid in the eyes of God and the Catholic Church but there is more. So much more. And I feel like I have been lied to for the last ten years of my life.” Agh! *Insert screaming at the sky montage here*

Now I know that wrestling with the faith is a normal thing. I went through it as a teenager and I know countless other people have as well. But I thought I was done. I thought that after years of reading and seeing things just make sense I thought I was finally on my way to a mature faith. Jesus made perfect sense to me for so long. It was the only thing that made sense in college. There was one answer. It was Truth and that was it. And now I don’t know what to think. The things I am learning sound so secular compared to what I had heard before. How can something that made so much sense two months ago be the most baffling thing in my mind today? This is nothing against the women who showed me these things. I just have a lot to untangle now.

The only way I can get through this, the only way I can see out of this mess, is the way that I have been going so far. Tears, prayers, a lot more tears, and a lot more prayers. I have cried writing this post, at work, driving home from work, falling asleep. I feel lost right now and I am not entirely sure how to fix it. Writing out these thoughts helps a little and now I can see them a little clearer.

I guess the point of all this mess is that even though I am smiling most of the time, I am still struggling. Even as a cradle Catholic with decades of faith experience and trust, I am having a hard time. A lot can hide behind a smile. If you take anything away from this, dear reader, I ask that you are kind to everyone. You never know the storms they are fighting. If we can be an umbrella for each other that would certainly help some of the pain go away.

☀️💙